How do we keep our marriage invigorated and the flame of love alive in our relationships? This is a huge question and there is no short or simple answer because, in marriage, we are dealing with the partnering of two imperfect people.
At the start of a relationship or marriage, it all seems so easy. We feel like we are floating on air and can soar like eagles. At this stage of a relationship, everything in the world seems perfect and in its place. We find ourselves smiling at the world, completely happy, and often laughing just because all is right in our world.
Of course, this feeling of euphoria never lasts because, over time, we start to feel the pressure of life. This usually includes pressures of work, buying homes, and/or having and rearing children, while at the same time trying to juggle the finances.
When we marry and say our vows or I Do’s, when we promise to love our partner in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, generally speaking, most people believe their vows and plan to keep them, or at least until things get hard and the going gets tough.
These days we live in a fast-paced, plastic, and instant society, where pretty much everything is considered disposable and unfortunately this often includes relationships. What a tragedy that many marriages end up in this category because, in God’s great plan, marriage is for life, until the death of one of the partners.
So what is marriage?
Some think it is a joining of two people and that is partly true. As Christians we understand that marriage is not just a joining of two people together by the mutual bonds of love, devotion, and loyalty to each other; it is in fact a joining of three people together, two as equal partners and the third person God, at the center of the marriage. Marriage could also be viewed as a triangle having three sides that include a husband, a wife, and God. This is a three-way relationship where the most important figure in the marriage is not the husband or wife, but our God and Creator who is the glue that holds and bonds people together in love and for life. If we keep Him at the center of our lives and our relationships, we should naturally develop a strong and wonderful relationship with our spouse that will endure and grow over the years, rather than growing weaker resulting in the flame of love dying out.
God created man and woman, He placed them together in paradise to love and care for each other, and He shared in their relationship as their Father Creator as they devoted themselves firstly to Him, and secondly to each other. Of course, this utopia came horribly unglued when mankind fell into sin, took their eyes off God, and failed to keep God as the central figure in their lives and relationships.
Marriage is a wonderful union of two people in love, but just like a garden, marriage must be constantly worked at and maintained. In the natural world, if we plant a garden and then neglect it, fail to water it, and nurture it, it quickly gets overcome by weeds that choke the life out of it.
For a marriage to survive and for love to grow, both partners in the marriage must nurture each other, provide the best environment for the flower of love to stay alive and continue to grow, constantly maintain the relationship to ensure the weeds of life and neglect don’t get a hold and ensure the correct food and nutrients are constantly being applied by, to and for each other.
How do we keep the relationship alive? While there is no silver bullet, here below are some good suggestions that really help.
The family that prays together stays together. If God is at the center of our lives, relationships, and families, His guidance and love will help keep us on track. Pray together daily, even if just for a few minutes at night before sleep.
Read the Bible together regularly. Try to make this a daily practice or at least weekly.
Consider each other and ensure both partners are sharing the workload around the house. In this modern age when it is normal for both partners to be working, men need to take ownership of their share of the workload around the home. Our wives are not our mothers or put on earth to be our slaves. They get tired too after a day at work just as we do, so let’s make sure we help out around the house. Do the dishes after your meal has been prepared for you, cook a meal once a week or so, and if you can’t cook, learn how to. If you don’t know how, learn to iron a shirt or ten also, along with your wife and the kid’s clothing too if you have children, but ironing instructions labels first, and don’t melt the shirts.
Take turns with the laundry too but take my word for it, before you try out at laundry, get a clue first! If you don’t know how to do laundry, either take advice from someone in the know or, go to Google for instructions. Learn how to do it first because washing laundry is more of an art than you may realize. Clothing is expensive and you can ruin items of laundry if you don’t have a clue, so read washing instructions on the labels before washing and drying laundry. Learn to use a vacuum cleaner, it’s not hard, and it’s not rocket science. Oh, and by the way! Learn to pick up after yourself. Things don’t pick themselves up off the floor, so if we don’t pick up after ourselves we are saying to our wives, hey slave, pick my junk up.
If one partner in a marriage is left to carry too heavy a burden and is taken for granted, it says I care more about me than you. This will put a strain on any relationship and rightly so. No one likes to be taken for granted or taken advantage of, and sharing in the workload is a way of saying I love you.
Another thing that says I love you to our wives is, to say it with breakfast in bed. Nothing says I love you more than giving your wife breakfast in bed, and guys, this act of love and appreciation scores some major brownie points with the lady in your life. It is absolutely amazing how a wife’s attitude toward her husband changes for the better if they are shown appreciation and are not treated like slaves and washerwomen.
Men don’t have an exclusive license on being lazy around the home, or lacking in basic home keeping skills; and it is my observation that many people in the modern world have failed to develop the basic skills required for running a home such as; cooking, cleaning, sewing, general home maintenance, and other necessary housekeeping skills, and this is possible because many parents are so busy living and working these days; they fail to train their children and teach them these most basic skills required for life.
Say I love you to your partner every day, at least once a day. It is hard to get angry with someone who constantly reminds their partner that they love them. Some people have problems expressing love and saying I Love You, or, Love Ya Sweetheart, but we need to get over it and daily practice saying it and meaning it until it is ingrained into our DNA. Both partners should spontaneously remind their spouse that they love them, but once again I think it is a good thing for us guys to take the initiative here and on that note, buy your partner some flowers and/or chocolates from time to time with a note telling them how much they mean to you and how much you love them. Chocolates are a real winner because they usually end up being shared.
Never go to bed angry without speaking and making up before sleep. Never let arguments linger and fester into more than they are. If you have spoken hurtful or unkind words in anger, say sorry and apologize quickly. If both partners in a marriage agree to and get into the habit of praying together before going to sleep at night, regardless of whether we are happy or angry, this is a great way to break the ice after an argument. It is hard to stay angry with someone when we come with them before the throne of grace to God because He is the author and model of love and unending forgiveness.
Make sure the flame of romance, intimacy, and healthy sex life is maintained in marriage. If we become cold and distant from our partner and if we allow romance and intimacy to die in our marriage, it will put enormous strain on the relationship. A marriage where one of the partners denies his or her spouse of the physical bonds of intimacy; is a marriage that is in serious trouble. It is a marriage that is headed for failure unless the spark of love is reignited. The key is for each partner in a marriage to ensure they are feeding into their spouse’s life by respecting them, demonstrating that you love them in word and action, telling them you love them so they don’t have to guess it, and considering each other in every aspect of married life.
On the subject of marriage and understanding the psychology and needs of men and women, every married person everywhere and those who intend to marry, should purchase and watch the amazing and incredibly funny DVD series by Mark Gungor: Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage. Mark will have you rolling off your chair and busting a gut laughing, while at the same time helping you to finally understand the opposite sex and what makes men and women tick. The secret to a happy marriage is to understand your partner; so that our expectations in and of marriage are in line with the reality of how men and women think, work, and operate. Buy and watch Laugh your way to a better marriage! I promise you won’t be disappointed, and your marriage will greatly benefit from it.
- Make decisions together: We are not talking about small decisions like what tonight’s meal will be; We are talking about major decisions like the financial kind and other important decisions. These larger decisions are best made as a couple and not as individuals. The area of finances can cause enormous stress in a marriage and should be discussed and agreed upon by both partners regularly, even if one partner is better or more qualified at handling the day-to-day aspects and management of finances. Aspects like paying bills and managing checking and bank accounts. Keeping secrets about spending will drive a wedge into a relationship faster than anything. If we can jointly agree on how our finances are handled, it will develop and strengthen a sense of trust between husband and wife.
- Treat each other with mutual respect. Never pull your partner down with negative comments and/or harsh criticism. Always strive to build each other up with comments of encouragement. If there are issues in a marriage, they need to be worked through and discussed calmly and kindly that does not denigrate or patronize. Never put your partner down or disagree about things in front of your children. The highway of life and marriage is littered with couples that have hit the wall because of negative comments from one partner or the other. Negative and unkind comments always deliver negative results, it is a guarantee. Positive comments always build up and strengthen relationships. They build into the person receiving positive comments from their partner, and into the marriage as a whole.
Watch Out For Parasites: (As quoted from the book “The Love Dare” and the highly recommended movie; Fireproof Your Marriage)
- A Parasite is anything that latches onto you or your partner that sucks the life out of your marriage.
- They’re usually in the form of addictions like gambling, drugs, or pornography.
- They promise pleasure, but grow like a disease and consume more and more of your thoughts, time, and money.
- They steal away your loyalty and heart, from those you love.
- Marriages rarely survive if parasites are present.
- If you love your wife or husband, you must destroy any addiction that has your heart? If you don’t, it will destroy you.
We could go on for hours on how to win in marriage and I have briefly outlined what I believe are some of the more important aspects to achieving a happy marriage. My wife and I have been married for nearly thirty years which is quite a milestone in this modern throw-away age. I believe our love for each other is stronger now than it was when we married, but to say that our marriage of nearly thirty years has been picture perfect and without its share of trials and conflicts along the way would be a lie, because every marriage is a work-in-progress, made by imperfect people. When we enter married life we start with a heart full of love and full of hope and promise for a long and happy marriage. Along the way we learn that a good and successful marriage is something that needs to be worked at and we either develop a strong and loving relationship that will endure over a lifetime or, we crash and burn from neglect, lack of care, and nurture.
There are many excellent books and DVDs available to help us develop, grow and/or repair our relationships. Below are a few books and DVDs I believe EVERY married person should read and watch, regardless of how strong or weak their marriage may be. These DVDs and books are an incredible blessing and should not be missed. They will inspire and challenge people to rescue a marriage in trouble, or, to further build into an already healthy marriage.
5 Stars from 5 recommendations!
Having watched Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage several times, I believe this is the single most important message on marriage and issues of sex I have ever heard. Mark’s message is revolutionary, honest, and will challenge and change your thinking on marriage.
If you don’t already know these truths, this message will revolutionize your marriage, your understanding of how each gender thinks and processes information, our thinking, our attitudes, and will save a lot of grief and potentially shipwrecked lives and marriages.
Problems with things like pornography should vanish if this message is taken on board and adopted, and; it is from self-interest for everyone to adopt this message. I believe it is the number 1 best thing I have seen on marriage, and I only wish I had seen it 30 years ago because it is that good.
